You will return one day: A story of past friendship and guilt
by Yumi Hinasaki 2
Summary: College AU after a tragic event occurs six friends Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Christa, Ymir and Jean find their lives change drastically. Five friends remain. Can Eren fix it all and bring back the missing link? Can anyone face up to recovering memories that only cause pain? Eventual Eren/Armin, Ymir/Christa, past one sided Jean/Armin. Jean/Marco dark themes.
1. Prolouge

_This room is empty but it's warm. I have been here for a long time. There are voices outside my door. I don't want them to come in! No! Stay away! I want to be alone..._

_It is early morning. I just had a strange dream. Somebody was calling out in a voice that wasn't my own but yet this voice sounded faintly familiar to me. I can't explain it too well. Today is the day I start college. Somebody comes into my room. "Eren are you awake?" A voice says. "Yes Mikasa I am awake." I say. My adopted sister Mikasa fully enters the room. "What's the matter?" I ask._

_"I just had a strange dream I can't remember well but I woke up overwhelmed with guilt." Mikasa says. I squeeze her hand "It's okay Mikasa you don't need to worry, it was only a dream." I reassure her. "This felt different. I haven't had a dream like this since that night-" "Mikasa we have talked about this, we agreed not to talk about that night remember?" I scold Mikasa for bringing up harmful memories._

_We set off for college. A blonde girl is at the front with a tall dark haired girl with freckles I have known these two girls since primary school. The blonde smiles at us. "Hello Eren, Mikasa." She greets kindly. "Hey Christa, Ymir." I reply while Mikasa nods. Ymir just nods back in recognition. Someone slaps me on the back. "Long time no see Yaeger." A voice says behind me. I turn around to see Jean Kirstein another person I knew from primary school. _

_"Jean!" I yell out. It has been a real long time since I have seen him, he moved away when we were in high school. Next to him is somebody I haven't met yet. He smiles shyly. "Jean often forgets to introduce me to people I'm Marco Bott." He says. I smile I have heard of him when Mikasa last spoke to Jean on the phone it was Marco this and Marco that. _

_I notice Mikasa is still looking guilty, she is looking at Christa like this. I frown at her pleading with her not to let Christa notice this as the last thing I want is for Christa to think about him, we all made a promise not to mention it and suffer through our guilt in silence. He can't be with us and there is nothing we can do to change that. Please forgive me Armin..._


	2. Everybody is acting strange

Author note: The song at the start is 'Kyou no hi wa sayonara' a Japanese graduation song. I do not own these lyrics...

_Itsuma demo taeru koto naku, tomodachi de iyou. Asu no hi wa yume mite kibou no michi wo..._

I wake up. Why am I thinking of that song now? It has been years since I heard that song. I don't like thinking of that song because it makes me feel really sad. I get ready to go to college when I come down stairs Mikasa is eerily humming that song. "Mikasa why are you humming that song?" I ask. "I heard you singing it in your sleep." Mikasa replies.

We both go to college. When we get there Jean doesn't seem to be his normal self. I wonder what happened to him. When he goes off with Marco I ask Christa if she knows what is up. She nods. But I get the feeling from her nod that it's something to do with the forbidden topic. I grit my teeth. Why did he have to mention it to Christa of all people?! She is the worst one you could ever speak to about it! Christa senses my anger.

"Eren don't get worked up truthfully I was there when it happened. He didn't bring back any painful memories it was just something we didn't expect. Jean and I both saw someone who looked like him." Christa explains. I nod in understanding and pat her on the shoulder. I then go and find Jean.

"Hey Jean!" I call out to him. Jean turns around. "What is it Eren?" He asked. "I originally was going to come here to scold you but since you didn't actually do anything wrong I was just going to check up on you." I say. Jean blinks. "I'm okay it just took me by surprise but I'm shocked that you thought I would do that to Christa, if I had done what you assumed Ymir would have kicked the shit out of me!" He exclaims. "Well that is good you feel that way." I reply.

Marco comes over from the corridor. "Are you okay?" He says uncertainly. I smile at him. "We're fine Marco I'll leave you and your boyfriend alone." I say grinning and walk over ignoring Jean's protests and Marco's blush. I wonder if it really was him? And if it was how could I possibly go over to him now? Out of the corner of my eye I see someone with a blonde bob cut walk down the corridor. They looked remarkably like him. But there is no way it is him. I'm just imagining it because of what Jean and Christa said. That's the only explanation.

I can't get the vision of that blonde student out of my head normally I wouldn't pay much attention to something like that but since those two mentioned it, it has been bugging me. Things have been feeling a little weird since I started having those weird dreams and then my friends all started acting troubled. Jean is still acting weirdly, staring into space. Not even Marco has been able to pull him out of it.

Mikasa and I are walking to the bus stop with Jean when he gasps and stops in the middle of the street. "What is it?" Mikasa asks for concerned. "It's nothing I just thought I saw something." He says and he hurriedly says his goodbyes when his bus pulls up. I tell Mikasa to go home without me and jump on his bus with him. "What are you doing Eren?" Jean asks uncertain of my motives. "I am going to get this sorted once and for all." I say. I go to Jean's house with him.

"What exactly is it you are going to sort out?" Jean questions. "I know full well that this isn't just about thinking you saw Armin." I say. "Don't say his name..." Jean says in a warning tone. "Damn it Jean you aren't the only one suffering! We all bear this burden you are not the only special one!" I snap. "Eren this isn't about that! The only reason I've been preoccupied by the sighting is because I saw him on the anniversary of the day I confessed my feelings to him!" I sit there in silence. "That's why. I'm not claiming to be special I was just lost in my memories." Jean explains.

"I'm sorry I got carried away. I have just been a little preoccupied because I think I saw him too." I apologize. We sit there in silence for a while. "Sooner or later we are going to have to quit running away." Jean finally voices something I have thought of for ages. "You're right hiding from it isn't always going to work." I agree. "But Christa isn't ready right now we are just going to have to wait until she wants it to be discussed for now we are helpless." Jean replies sadly. At least one friend of our group actually admits that this plan isn't always going to work. I know deep down we all want things how they were, we all want Armin to come back to us.

After Jean revealed that he felt that we shouldn't hide from what happened in the past I have started to notice some cracks in the friendship of Ymir and Christa. Ymir is pretty much dedicated to Christa and rather overprotective of her especially since that night. I know Ymir definitely feels some form of guilt for that night like us all despite how aloof she acts most of the time.

Ymir seems to be acting slightly cold lately I'm not sure if she is running from her own guilt or generally just trying to distance herself from Christa to avoid causing her harm. I have never been certain of what Ymir is thinking half the time, she has always been a bit of a strange one.

Ymir has just walked away from Christa I decide to follow her. "Ymir!" I call. She turns around. "Oh it's you Eren. What do you want?" She asks rather coldly. It doesn't faze me I know what she's like. "I noticed you and Christa having a bit of a fight." I say. "Oh that, it's none of your concern Christa was just interfering with my protection. The more she is protected from that the better." Ymir mutters darkly.

"Ymir you know full well that we cannot protect her from that forever. She's already seen somebody who looks like him. We should not run away from it. We all have our regrets from that night but you know that we are all starting to crack from having to hold it in. I believe that Christa really does want to talk about it but she just isn't quite ready for it yet." I offer my insights.

"I refuse to let her be harmed like that again." Ymir says. I get a bit angry. "And what about Armin huh?! He suffered the most out of all of us and yet we can't even see him anymore! Don't you want everything back as it was?!" I yell. "Grow up Eren! Get it through your head. Armin is not coming back! We have to move on, it's sad but it's life." Ymir snaps back.

She then sighs breaking our uncomfortable silence. "I saw him Eren it was actually him." She doesn't elaborate and I don't think she wants to. Ymir refuses to accept that it can be changed but I will never give up hope of restoring everything as it was before. I know they weren't really that close anyway but I don't want Ymir to give up on Armin. I will get him back no matter what...


	3. The night we fell apart

Author note: Warning spoilers for the attack on titan manga. Major trigger warnings for homophobia, domestic abuse and murder you have been warned...

_There are no faces here I recognize I shouldn't be in this place. I'm scared..._

Mikasa came to live with my family when we were nine years old. Her father was killed in a work based accident and her mother fell apart and left Mikasa in the care of my parents Mikasa doesn't see her mother the last she had heard she was still in Japan with her parents. We were happy for a while until my mother died in a road accident. But it was only an accident, it wasn't the drivers fault it was just a fault with the vehicle.

My father has been raising us but we don't always see him as he is very busy with work. He met Mikasa on a call to her house because she was pretty sick back then. She is healthy now and she carries a lot of guilt for what happened to Armin no matter how many times I've told her that it isn't her fault at all. She is still insistent of blaming herself for it happening.

Right now she is in the shower and she has been acting strange recently which isn't surprising as all our friends have been acting the same way. I didn't manage to convince Ymir but I am hoping to convince both Mikasa and Christa that Armin should be talked about. I decide to talk to Mikasa about it.

I sit down with her in the living room after her shower. "You said you wanted to talk to me Eren?" She asked. " Yeah. Listen I don't think we should avoid talking about Armin anymore. It can't be avoided forever and Jean even agrees with me. I want to get him back with us. Ymir has already seen him and interacted with him whether intentionally or not and I really think that it should be brought out in the open" I voice my thoughts.

"I do agree with you Eren but the thing is I don't think Armin is the same boy anymore with understanding considering what he went through and I know we are being selfish acting like we got the worst out of it. We've been terrible friends." Mikasa said sadly. "Mikasa you know the reason we didn't talk to him was because the doctors haven't allowed us to see him but I am going to try especially since he is out of the hospital now, he must be a little better now." I say.

"You may be right. We should talk to Christa about it together it just can't be avoided anymore." Mikasa speaks her mind and we arrange to meet Christa. We go to the park. When Christa arrives we all go to our spot. "Come and sit down Historia." I say. Christa gasps. "You called me by my old name? Then this must be very serious, although I think I have already figured it out. It's about my brother isn't it?" Christa comes out with what I was going to talk to her about.

"Yes it is about Armin. Mikasa, Jean and I think it should all be out in the open and since he is around the area we all feel that it just can't be avoided anymore." I inform Christa. She nods. "You're right he is in the area he goes to the college but takes lessons in the library with recorded lectures and he is in your class. I know everything about what is happening to my twin brother even though I can't speak to him. Eren, Mikasa he doesn't remember who we are. He is so dosed up on medication that he cannot remember a thing about all his loved ones and especially not the night our own mother was murdered in front of his eyes." Christa cries as she talks about Armin for the first time in nearly four years.

I hug Christa "I'm so sorry, I know it's really painful for you." I feel so guilty. Not only could I not protect my own best friend I can't protect his sister from her heartache. Armin and Christa or rather Historia which is her birth name suffered through so much. Their parents were never married but they were best friends. Their father is a homosexual who donated his sperm so their mother could get pregnant as a surrogate but she never anticipated twins. It was agreed that one child would stay with one parent during the week then go to the other parents house at weekends. Armin mostly stayed with their mum so he had the surname Arlert, Historia mostly stayed with their dad so her surname was Reiss.

Armin lived with his mother in the week and she got a new boyfriend who was a brute. He was abusive and homophobic when he found out about Armin and Historia's father he was relentless with the bullying and he started on the twins too. On the weekend of the death of their mother. The twins' father was on an anniversary weekend getaway with their stepfather. Historia stayed at Ymir's house but their mother's boyfriend came round on weekends and Armin couldn't stay with me that weekend because Mikasa got very sick and had to go to hospital.

Armin was to be kept locked away. There was a storage room in the Arlert living room that could be locked so Armin was shut in there. But he didn't stay there all weekend in fact Saturday morning at about 2:00 am he spent his time in a hospital. His mother was murdered by her boyfriend I overheard my father talking about it. Her boyfriend called the police after it happened and told them when they arrived that she tried to kill him and that he acted in self defense. Armin started screaming that he was a liar and was let out of the storage room where he explained how the boyfriend killed his mother after a fight about Armin's father and Armin in general he had said some vile things and his mother defended them fiercely leading to her being killed.

I briefly saw Armin at the hospital and it will haunt me for life. He didn't talk he just lay there in the bed, tears constantly running down his cheeks, his blue eyes empty. I wasn't able to see him because when I was there once he began to break down and scream about the bad man hurting him. I will never forget it. Oh Armin I wish your phone didn't get broken by that bastard. I wish I had seen the signs that he was abusing you and your mother. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to protect you...


	4. I faintly felt something nostalgic

I'm walking down the corridor to the library, Mikasa asked me to pick up a book for her as she is busy finishing an essay. I walk inside the library it's pretty quiet. I accidentally bump into a girl. She yelps and tumbles to the ground. "I'm so sorry, are you okay?" I apologize and hold out my hand. I take a look at the girl to find that she is not actually a girl at all. I would recognize the wide blue eyes of my former best friend anywhere. Armin hides his face behind his book and stands up quickly. He nods at me and walks away. I guess I could take that as an acceptance for my apology.

Historia did tell me that he wouldn't recognize me but I never thought that I would actually see him properly, it feels relatively nice to at least have seen his face after all this time I miss him so much...

_I felt a flicker of recognition deep inside of me today. I bumped into a young man in my sanctuary today but when I looked at his face I felt a warmth in my heart that I cannot explain. It felt like I knew this feeling a long time ago. I cannot recall the memories of my past. I know nothing of my family or my friends. I don't remember what it's like to properly interact with people. There are so many important things that I know I've forgotten. When I look back if I concentrate very hard all I can recall are sounds, laughter and just one piano tune._

_A part of me wants to remember why I was cut off from the world. I want to know who I forgot but I get the feeling that I'm not supposed to remember. Even so a part of me wants to know why that young man stirred such a nostalgic feeling in my heart and mind. I don't know how I can interact with him. I don't even take classes normally because nobody knows how I will react. I panic whenever I hear raised voices. I've always had the feeling that I've lost something very precious to me but I hope that I can find it..._

After seeing Armin for the first time in years I can't help but reminisce about our friendship. I had known Armin for many years I saved him from bullies in his neighborhood. I wanted to protect this small and smart boy. Once I got older I discovered the meaning of having a crush on someone and I reflected on how I felt about Armin. I knew back then that I always wanted him by my side but when his mum died I knew that it was no longer possible to just be together forever if he does remember what happened there is a 99% chance that he will break down completely.

I wonder if he felt any recognition for me earlier. I guess that is just wishful thinking though. It would be a dream come true if we could just go back to our old childhood innocence where we would all laugh together and Mikasa would teach us Japanese songs like the graduation song we sang when Jean was moving. But even back then both Armin and Historia were being abused. I can't believe I was such a fool and never noticed it. I failed so badly as a friend. But I know I have to make amends. I promise I will be a better friend from now on...


End file.
